The concept behind trauma informed personal training is pretty simple: it just means approaching fitness in a way that is sensitive to the fact that you may have experienced trauma. Personally, I just assume that nearly everyone I come in contact with has experienced some type of trauma. Estimates indicate that about half of adults have experienced childhood abuse, whether physical, emotional, or sexual. People experience may kinds of trauma, ranging from abuse, traumatic loss, accidents, disasters, work or battle related trauma, illness, assault, and innumerable others. When we consider all of these many kinds of trauma, you can see why I just assume everyone has survived something. 

For survivors of trauma, it can be difficult to regain a sense of control and self determination. One way to help clients regain that sense of control in workouts is giving choices. I will often give my clients options during workouts. This is partially just to be responsive to their needs, and help them to listen to their bodies, but it is also good trauma informed practice. 

Another thing that can be difficult after surviving a traumatic event is experiencing symptoms of dissociation, depersonalization, or derealization. This triad of "de" symptoms can be experienced as feeling far away from yourself, disconnected from your body, or even feeling like a fake person, or like reality isn't real. These are not delusions, but symptoms that are a reaction to the shock and horror of a traumatic experience. It may sound far-fetched to suggest that working out can help address these symptoms, but mindfully moving your body, with particular attention to the sensations that arise as you move through a range of motion can be a powerful tool to foster a sense of connection to your own body and to the current moment. In short, mindful movement can get you snapped back into your body and into reality.

Something you will find different about working with a trauma informed trainer as compared to some other personal trainers is that I am not going to push you past your limits. If you say you're done after a few rounds of a movement or circuit, I'm not going to press that. You know your body better than I do, and I won't force you to keep going if you say you're done. Please don't read that and assume that means I won't challenge you. I develop a good communication with my clients so that I can tell the difference between tired and DONE. Having the power to reestablish boundaries around your body can be profoundly healing for trauma survivors who have had their bodily autonomy violated.

Trauma informed training can still be challenging, and can still push you to your limits. I just approach training from a foundational belief that you know your body better than everyone, particularly since you live in it full time! 

Virtual personal training really took off during the pandemic, for obvious reasons, and while some folks have been eager to get back to in-person training, I still have a number of clients who I work with virtually. Some people are skeptical about working with a trainer by Zoom, but it has been pretty successful for a number of my clients.

Virtual personal training is a great option if you have childcare issues that make getting to a gym challenging. Some of my virtual clients do live sessions with me from their basement or living room early before kids are up. It's an awesome way to get your workout in without having to figure out a babysitter!

It can be really hard to find a personal trainer local to you who you vibe with, especially if you're looking for body positive personal training. We're out here, but there may not be someone local to you who you can work with. If that is the case, virtual personal training is a great option since you can work with a trainer from literally anywhere!

Virtual fitness sessions can also be a cost saver. In some places, in person personal training might cost you well over $100 an hour, but when you can expand your search to include anywhere, the cost can be a lot less. 

You might be worried that working with a virtual personal trainer means you need to buy a ton of equipment for your house. I have some clients who have invested in a few choice pieces of equipment, but I will never tell a client they *have* to buy a thing. Generally, there's a lot you can do with some dumbbells, and maybe some resistance bands! I work with whatever equipment my clients have on hand.

You can get real fitness results working with a personal trainer virtually! A few other perks: you can fart your butt off with no fear, and you don't need to get in your cold ass car on a winter morning! I offer a number of virtual training packages, but one of my favorites is Live Weekly 1:1 Sessions + 4 Weeks of Programming. I love this particular package because you get the benefit and accountability of a weekly live session, plus workouts to follow on your own. You get the most bang for your buck this way, and I get to know you, your body, and your goals, so I can really maximize your programming for you.

I talk about HAES-aligned fitness as a service I provide, but in a conversation with someone who had been looking at my site, they asked, "What is H-A-E-S?" So first, the simple answers! HAES (usually pronounced like haze) stands for Health At Every Size. Please note, it is HEALTH at every size, not healthY at every size. It is an important distinction!

​HAES comes from the book "Health at Every Size" by Lindo (Linda) Bacon. In the book, Dr Bacon summarizes a variety of research to build a case that body weight is less culpable for health issues than has been previously believed. HAES is based on the following principles:

• Weight inclusivity - Respect that bodies are meant to be different sizes and shapes without pathologizing or idealizing certain bodies.
• Respectful care - Work to end anti-fat bias, especially in healthcare, and address other social determinants of health.
• Health enhancement - Improve access to healthcare, as well as increasing access to services that improve health at the individual level.
• Eating for well-being - Eat in a flexible way that is responsive to hunger & satiety cues, nutritional needs, culture and pleasure.
• Life-enhancing movement - Engage in physical activity that enhances your life.

In her book, Dr Bacon describes research they conducted that supports this approach over weight focused approaches to improve overall health, including specific biometric markers of health.  The recommendations that come from HAES are simple, common-sense, and sustainable behavioral changes, and also address some of the systemic issues that clearly impact health.

So what does it mean to be a HAES-aligned personal trainer? As a personal trainer, my goal is to help my clients get into a sustainable movement routine. So let's break that down a bit: I want you moving your body in a way that you can continue to do for a long time. I don't want to kick your ass for a month or two, have you get injured and then drop off. That isn't particularly helpful for your long-term health or wellbeing. I want you to have a movement routine. You get the most benefit from moving your body on a regular basis. Working out to the point of puking once a month isn't going to have that much impact on your long-term health. What is better is to engage in some type of movement a couple of times a week, and find something you can stick with.

As a HAES-aligned fitness provider, I don't weigh my clients. I don't do before-and-after pics. I don't have you measure your body. Of course, it is your body, and you can do whatever you want with it, but I'm not going to suggest that you do any of those things. My focus isn't on making there be less of you! My focus is on a sustainable fitness program that helps you feel stronger, more energetic, and improves your overall health.

If you want to learn more, I definitely recommend checking out the book, "Health at Every Size." If you've read it already, leave me a comment and tell me what you thought about it!

I spent years hating, battling, and trying to force my body to into some impossible standard. Through the years, I would stumble across things that were body positive, but figured I'd get body positive when my body was good enough to feel positive about. Here's the thing: my body was good enough all along.

Things escalated to a point where I was working out multiple times a day, following an extremely restrictive eating plan, and taking supplements to help me lose weight. It was excessive, unsustainable, and unhealthy.

This is the point when I learned about intuitive eating. In intuitive eating, we talk about "joyful movement." Gradually, my approach to movement shifted from being something meant to force my body to shrink, and I started to approach movement as a way to feel stronger, empowered, and good about my body. It became less about punishing myself or earning food, and more about enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, just because I do workouts I enjoy doesn't mean they aren't hard as shit sometimes! You can move joyfully and still get your ass kicked in a workout.

I started to find body positive movement communities, and from there, my horizons broadened into weight-neutral fitness, and body liberation-oriented movement. While there is a lot of overlap in these concepts, they all mean something a little bit different. Body positive fitness is fitness approached with the belief that everyone deserves to feel good about their bodies. There are people out there who embrace body positive fitness and still coach intentional weight loss. I do not coach intentional weight loss.

Knowing this steered me towards the label of weight-neutral coach. I like the label of weight neutral fitness because it describes what I'm doing, but when I was introduced to body liberation oriented movement, I knew that was what I'd been looking for the whole time. Body liberation oriented movement focuses on liberating all bodies, and making fitness spaces work for everyone. This means fitness spaces that are inclusive for all races, genders, gender identities, and all abilities. In my opinion, this doesn't mean that any one single class or space is inclusive of literally everyone, but instead focuses on creating spaces that re inclusive of a many different people. It doesn't mean everyone in one place, but a place for everyone.

My journey to body positive fitness, and eventually to body liberation hasn't always been smooth, and it surely hasn't been perfect. It's okay for your thinking and your approach to evolve over time.

Full transparency here: I'm trying to grow this business to the point of being a viable source of income. I believe in this business, I believe in my mission, and I believe in myself. That said, if I want the business to be viable, it has to make money. To that end, I've increased prices on a few things, most notably personal training. 

It is also really important to me that high quality, weight-neutral fitness services are accessible to everyone, and I really mean everyone. In the service of this dearly held value of mine, I have decided after May, my classes will be free. I will teach a few less classes per month (think of it as an act of self care for me!) and registration for those classes will be embedded into my website.

I think these two changes help me to be able to both live up to my value of providing services that aren't only for high-income people while also structuring things in a way that I get paid. I'm excited to see how free classes go!

I currently have a few time slots available for live virtual personal training clients, and I'm enrolling clients for the Lightbulb Fitness Club, starting on 05/01. I hope that you'll stick around and continue to grow with me!

Content warning: This story includes scary birth information, so don't read it if you're pregnant. I repeat, DO. NOT. READ THIS IF YOU ARE PREGNANT. If you're thinking about becoming pregnant, you might want to skip it. And if birth trauma just doesn't sound like a thing you should read about, skip it!

My second kid was born by vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) at home. We planned a home birth, to be attended by a midwife, but she badly estimated how long my labor would be, and missed it. My midwife missed my freaking birth. I delivered the most gorgeous 9 pound 4 ounce baby boy right into my husband's hands in our basement at our house.

It was an insane, incredibly, empowering experience. That said, my little dude came flying out like a cannonball, and instead of his head molding as he was delivered, my vagina...well...expanded so he had room. The midwife stitched me, but I think because I was pretty swollen, it didn't stitch together very well, and so it healed like crap. I was in pain for several months, and the midwife kept saying that the stitches weren't fully dissolved. Everything was painful. Sitting, standing, sometimes even laying. Walking was difficult, and using the bathroom became very painful. Eventually, I got sick of it and made an appointment to go see a different provider.

At that office, I assumed the position (women know the one), and the provider there looked and said, "I'm going to grab the doctor and be right back."

Not quite what I was expecting or hoping to hear. On their return, they laid out a few options. One was a series of cryotherapy treatments in office, and the other was surgery. I ended up opting for surgery. So, two months (and a little bit) after my son's birth, I ended up getting surgery. Essentially, they cut back open where I had torn, and restitched it so it could heal better.

Surgery was terrifying, and I woke up in searing hot pain. On the way home, I had my husband stop at Dunkin for coffee and a sandwich, but I don't think I even ate the sandwich, because my stomach ended up in a twist by the time I actually had it.
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My husband later told me that after the surgery was done, when the doctor came to talk to him, the doctor tried to joke that he "put an extra stitch in there for you." In 2012, doctors still making that tired ass joke. And maybe, he actually meant it. Because after healing, my vagina was closed up tight. It was terrible.

It took a little while to heal, and when we eventually tried to have sex, it just didn't work. Nothing would fit into my vagina. I couldn't even comfortably use tampons.

I went back to the doctor who had operated on me, and he said it was fine. He didn't see any issues. I attempted a variety of home treatments over the next year, and had very modest improvements. Eventually, I was able to have sex, but it was terribly painful.

One day, I stumbled across an ad for a urogynecologist. Among the conditions they said they treated was listed "painful sex." I had been to a few different doctors at this point who all told me the same thing: they couldn't see any problem. I called the office to set up an appointment.

From the start, it was different. The doctor sat down with me in an office with my clothes still on to take my history. It was a very different experience than trying to give your health history with a paper blanket wrapped around your legs and butt.  Once she got the full story, she had me go to the exam room. She told me my pelvic floor muscles were in spasm, and that advice to do kegels was actually the wrong thing to do, because you can't strengthen a muscle that is just stuck in spasm. Her plan was a series of injections in the vagina (that part wasn't as horrible as it sounds), and pelvic floor physical therapy, plus vaginal suppositories with medication to reduce the inflammation and help my muscles be able to relax. 

Pelvic floor PT was a lot less awkward than it sounded. We focused for a while on being able to relax the muscles, massaging out scar tissue, and developing a better connection with my pelvic floor muscles. 

Gradually, the combination of treatments improved everything and helped me have no pain.

I'm going to be really frank here: I was extremely ashamed of all of that for a long time. I guess I had just enough of a Catholic upbringing to feel like you don't talk about these kinds of things, or maybe it was some residual shame, feeling like I had brought this on myself by opting for a homebirth. Who knows, but I felt very ashamed and uncomfortable talking about it. This might be my most raw blog post yet, but I think it is important for women to talk about these struggles so that other women who experience the same might know how to fix it. I didn't know where to go, or what to do, and everyone I saw said they didn't see anything wrong until I got to the right place.

This past Wednesday, in Washington DC, a load of Trump-lovin' Americans, under the banner of being "real Patriots" (usually with a capital P) raided the Capitol building. I was at work when it was happening, and had a busy evening planned -- meeting with a personal training client, followed by teaching a class. I can't say I was shocked, but certainly angry and scared as the news was breaking. My reaction was a lot of wtf....WTF....no, really, WHAT THE FUCK. I considered cancelling my appointment and my class, because it just seemed crazy to go about business as usual when all this is happening a few short hours away from me.

But I didn't.

I believe that there is healing to be had in my work. Some people may see what I do as frivolous, or just a fitness class, or unimportant, but I truly believe that my work helps people heal their relationship with their bodies. While this work is certainly work, teaching classes is an element of self-care for me. I know that I'm helping other people to care for themselves, which is rewarding and fulfilling. Moving my body in a way that feels nourishing, empowering, and healthy helps me feel energized and positive, and I enjoy bringing that to others.

If you chose to skip a planned workout because of your emotions in response to the events, that's cool too. For me, I didn't want to spend time glued powerlessly to a screen (or multiple screens...) for any longer. It felt good to reclaim my day and move my body. I hope you chose, and continue to choose, what feels like self-care for you.

Today, Lizzo posted a video on Instagram promoting a smoothie detox. Unsurprisingly, the comments went WILD. So here's the thing. Lizzo has become this sort of icon or mascot of the body positivity movement. When she sings, "Baby how you feeling? I'm feeling good as hell!", I feel that! We love her, she represents more to us than music: she represents embracing yourself and loving yourself as you are. I cried, legit, when she came on the VMAs and told us, "It's so hard to love yourself in a world that doesn't love you back."

But here's the thing, y'all: we don't own Lizzo. We don't. She is a real person, with real insecurities, real goals, real desires. She posted a few days ago, really emotional about her body and feeling unhappy with it. Obviously there is nothing wrong with her body, the problem is the culture. But she was vulnerable. She doesn't only live in our imaginations. She deserves to make her own choices about her body. I might not like her choice, it may be disappointing to me to see someone I thought was a body positive icon making choices that don't align with that movement, but it is her choice to make. 

The IG comments turned, a bit unsurprisingly, into a roast. "You are amazing but this saddens me to my core." I don't disagree, but maybe she deserves to make her own choices. "This ain't it sis. So many people look up to you for body positivity. And this is the opposite." This from a white woman, and honestly, this use of the word "sis" troubles me, but that's a post for a different day. That aside, while I agree with the basic points, it is Lizzo's body. A number of people reported feeling triggered by the post, and I certainly was as well, and probably for some people that is a lot harder than others. I just think that we may have heaped a bit of an unfair amount of expectation. 

While I am disappointed and bummed about this, I'm not mad at Lizzo. I feel sad that Lizzo felt like this was a good idea, because the noise around us is just SO.DAMN.LOUD that smaller = healthier, that thinner is prettier, that shrinking makes your life better, you more desirable. It's just this inexorable, inescapable jackhammer in the background all the damn time. She was vulnerable, like any of us can be. Lizzo got called to the noise. 

Detoxes are dumb. It's a quick weight loss trick disguised as a way to improve the health of your vital organs. Want to improve the health of your gizzards? Drink a glass of frickin water. Then drink another one after that. And another one. And maybe after all that water, you'll have to pee so much you won't have time to worry about roasting Lizzo for getting called to that diet culture siren song and you sure as hell won't have time for any fake quick fixes.

Yeah, it's a bummer for those of us who have been doing work in antidiet spaces, and I get feeling like "We lost one." But we won't get her (or anyone else) with a barrage of bitching, and we'll be here when she comes back. It makes me think a bit of addiction recovery. When a friend has a relapse, it is triggering. That doesn't mean I go get drunk, and maybe I go through some feels, but I don't roast the person. It's an addiction. It's not their fault. I just need to be there when they come back around.

I'll leave you with this. I know some folks probably needed to comment just so vulnerable folks might see those comments and know that a (weight loss) detox smoothie isn't where it's at, but once there were several...plus several more of those comments, did the dogpile need to continue? Let the woman live her life. Commentary on people's bodies works both ways -- just as it isn't cool to fat-shame or concern-troll, we also don't need to chastise people who shrink themselves. It may be disappointing to me, but it is not my body.

If you follow me on Instagram, you have probably seen my FREAKING AMAZING new home gym set-up! Obviously, not everyone needs/wants a set-up as elaborate as what I have...or maybe you want something more elaborate! A few people asked about where I got some of the components to my gym! I'm going to give a few links to where I got various items and how to get set up without breaking the bank.

When it comes to home gyms, if you have money to burn, the sky is the limit. You can spend a ton of money on a variety of equipment and really go to town. If you're reading this, I assume that is not your scenario! Thus, my first tip is to ask folks if they have any equipment they want to give away or sell for cheap! When I was looking for a squat rack, I jumped on Facebook and posted that I was looking for one, and I found a friend who had one to give away! So if you're looking for specific equipment, ask around. You never know who has gym equipment in their home that they want to get rid of. 
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Dumbbells

If you're just getting started with a home gym, dumbbells are were I would suggest you begin. They are versatile, you can often find good deals (current dumbbell shortage notwithstanding), and they'll last for a long time, so if you want to get rid of them later, you can. I acquired mine slowly over time. Those 3s, 5s, and 8s are probably older than my kids. The rest are more recent. I also have one kettlebell, and I encourage you to look for kettlebells or dumbbells, as a lot of dumbbell exercises can be done with a kettlebell instead. You can buy kettlebells as singles or pairs, and again, there is so much you can do with them! 

Since I got my dumbbells at different times, I don't have a pretty matched set, but I got some free from friends, bought the 20s from Facebook market, and had some previously. My Wreckbag is also back there. I was using that a bit at the start of the pandemic, but not as much currently. It's a great training tool if you're in the market for something like that!

Bench, Rack & Barbell/Plates

This bench is so amazing and it is a complete fluke that I snagged it. I found it at an auction from a gym that was going out of business. It is a Hammer Strength adjustable bench. Should you come across one and have the opportunity to get it, I love it. If not, there are a lot of options to take the place of a proper bench. I've used an aerobic step, my plyo box, or the floor for most things that need a bench. For bench press, the problem with the floor is you won't get full range-of-motion, but it works in a pinch.

My squat rack came free from a friend; I don't know a brand or anything on it. It isn't anything fancy, but it holds a bar, and that's all I need!

My barbell and plates came from York Barbell. They're located in York, PA, and we stopped in while we were (sort of) driving in the area. They were sold out of a lot of stuff, so I pretty much just got what I was able. It is a "women's bar" so it is a little shorter and lighter than a regular 45 lb bar. The plates are just standard iron, nothing fancy. When I bought them, they didn't have many options, and the guy working at the store thanked me so much for being nice about it. I was a bit surprised because that obviously means that people had been going in there and being turds because they were sold out on stuff. My friends. Please, be freaking nice to the people working in stores. It is not his fault that everybody suddenly decided to go buy barbells all at the same time. There is no need to be a dick to the guy in the shop.

Bands

I would add bands like this to my list near dumbbells for versatility. I know everybody wants booty bands, but you can do so much with these bad boys! I originally bought them several years ago to use for pullup assist, but now they do lat pull downs, seated rows, face pulls, and so much more! These came from WODFitters, and they are great, but you can get bands like this many places.

Heavybag

Okay, you may not think your gym needs a heavybag, but you're pretty much wrong. This is another item I got from the gym going out of business auction, and I love it! I've been working on some boxing in my training, and my kids also like working the bag a bit to get out some big feels (and who isn't having big feels at this point in the pandemic).

Flooring

Finally, the piece de resistance, the floor. This is a soft interlocking tile floor with two sides. One side is softer, and the other a little more firm. It is great for all my different workouts. If you've been in my classes, you may have heard me share my fear of slipping in my sweat on our regular tile floor. This just lays right on top of the tile, and it gives a great surface for floor work, and good traction for HIIT. The firm side is tough enough for the bench and rack to sit on. We got it at Home Depot.

If you have other questions or ideas on home gym setup, drop them in the comments!

I wrote a post a few months ago about how working out helped me in my trauma recovery journey, and I got a few questions asking how specifically to maximize your workout to heal from trauma. One of the specific ways in which working out has helped me in trauma recovery is that I was able to connect to my body better.

Many trauma survivors have the experience of feeling disconnected from their bodies. This ranges from severe dissociative episodes, to, at the less severe end of the spectrum, lacking in kinesthetic awareness - that's big words for awareness of how your body moves and being able to control it. Movement, particularly strength training, has helped with this. Here are my top three tips on how to tune in to your body during your workout, and as you apply these skills in movement sessions, you'll find they come more easily at other times.

1. Use a mirror during your workout and watch how your body responds. Mirrors are great for form checks, but a mirror can also help you to visibly observe how your body responds when you try to move a certain way. For example, if you're doing squats and see that your knees are falling in, and you start working on trying to press them out a bit, watch in the mirror and see how your body responds when you think about pressing them out. Early on, I found that my body often was not where I thought that it was. Being able to see it helped me get into my body.
2. Instead of trying to distract yourself from a workout, put your mind in the muscle, and notice the feelings in your body. Who hasn't wanted to engage in some mild dissociation during burpees? However, if you want to start to feel more embodied, try putting your mind into your body and feeling the sensations that are there. Maybe at first you try this just briefly, or for a rep or two, but gradually, you can work up to longer lengths of time. Maybe notice how your lungs feel, how your heartbeat feels, how your different muscles feel as you move through an exercise. 
3. Notice one small part of your body instead of trying to feel everything. Sometimes in squats, I'll just focus on trying to press my whole foot into the ground. During a bicep curl, I might just concentrate on the feeling in that one muscle. If I'm doing skullcrushers, I may put all my attention towards my shoulders and their positioning.

A lot of this might sound like mindfulness, and in truth, it is. These are all exercises in mindfulness of your body, and putting your attention into your physical self. As with any time you try to concentrate on the present, you may find your mind tries to wander. That's fine, and completely normal! It doesn't mean your bad at this, it means you are a normal human with a mind that likes to tell you stories and grab your attention. So, when your mind starts to pull your focus, simply guide your attention back to what you were trying to pay attention to.

Trauma recovery is a long journey, not a single destination. The cool thing about that is that we can all keep practicing these skills all along the way. If you use any of these tips, or have some to add, I'd love to hear from you!